ELAINE QUEHL, Quilt Artist, Teacher, Dyer, Designer

Friday, April 13, 2012

Letting Go

Today was a beautiful spring day, just the kind of day Johnnie would have loved to sit on the back step in the sun, so I sat there in his place.  The garden is teeming with life, even though Johnnie lost his yesterday.  Read no further if you have never lost an animal companion and know the heartbreak.

Johnnie came into my life when I was only 33, that is THIRTY THREE; I am now 50.  He showed up in our back yard one winter.  He appeared to have no home, and only had the shelter of the neighbour's deck.  My husband started leaving food out for him, and gradually he came to trust us more and more, until by Easter 1995 he moved into our house.  He came with chapped paws and wind-burned ears.  I always admired and respected his resilience. He always appreciated having a safe and warm home.

Our vet placed Johnnie at one or two years old when he arrived.  He was euthanized yesterday at 18 or 19.  What does this have to do with art quilts?  Johnnie accompanied me through every quilt I made.  He saw me make my first quilt.  He sat on every quilt that was fed through my sewing machine and any finished quilt that was left within sitting distance.  He was my studio assistant, my apron string, and in many ways my best friend.  He inspired a quilt by his charming behaviour of being mesmerized by my aquarium.

The quilt was called "One Fish, Two Fish, Striped Fish, Blue Fish" (2004)

He also inspired many nicknames like Johnny Rockets, Johnny Pneumonic, and in his last few months, "Johnny on the Spot".

Sitting in the sun was what he loved best, well maybe next best to sitting on my lap.

Even when he went blind two years ago, he remained a contented cat, adapting to his circumstances, and proving his resilience again and again.  All of the following pictures show him happy and well despite his blindnesss.
 He loved being in the garden in spring and summer, and was never so foolish as to venture outdoors again in winter after being rescued from winter.

The house feels empty today, even though we still have two cats.  There is no one to sit on my lap the minute I sit in the living room, especially when I am icing my knee, no one to greet me at the door when I come home from trips.  Seeing his health decline in the last two years, I always worried I would be away on a teaching trip and not be there for him when his time came.  I am grateful we were able to spend this past Easter weekend together, with him glued to my lap, and I am grateful I was able to stay with him until the end.  A "mother" is supposed to love all her "children" equally, but I've never had such a bond with an animal before.


I am reminded of the last lines of the poem "In Blackwater Woods" by Mary Oliver,

"To live in this world
   you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
   against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it
go,
to let it go."

Letting go is indeed the hardest part.  Johnnie, you were the best and I shall miss you always!

19 comments:

  1. A hug for you, Elaine! My current cat, Diesel, moved in with me in mid-October 2008, as his humans were moving to NS and couldn't take him. My Fred, then over 20 (estimated, as we got him in 1989 at about age 2) lived long enough to show Diesel the ropes about being an outdoor cat: how to inspect the yard for intruders, etc. Diesel seemed to know Fred was ailing, for he let Fred, now losing weight at a remarkable rate due to thyroid tumours, cuddle up and sleep next to him wherever he happened to be. Just before Christmas '08, Fred stopped eating, and I had to take him to the vet. Diesel missed him for 2-3 weeks before assuming his current place as Lord of the Manor.

    So I know whereof you speak...Here's to the beloved critters who grace our lives!

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  2. So sorry about your cat, Elaine. I dread that day coming for me in the near future with my Baby, it's the hardest part of being an animal lover, doing what's right for them instead of for ourselves.

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  3. So sorry about your cat, Elaine. I dread that day coming for me in the near future with my Baby, it's the hardest part of being an animal lover, doing what's right for them instead of for ourselves.

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  4. So sorry about your cat, Elaine. I dread that day coming for me in the near future with my Baby, it's the hardest part of being an animal lover, doing what's right for them instead of for ourselves.

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  5. So sorry about your cat, Elaine. I dread that day coming for me in the near future with my Baby, it's the hardest part of being an animal lover, doing what's right for them instead of for ourselves.

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  6. Elaine

    I know just what you mean about the emptiness and stillness in the house without your regular companion. 17 years with you was a wonderfully long relationship, and you will cherish it. I only have one cat, to look at much like Johnny, and he is the champion of champions. I feel for you, but you gave him a wonderful life, for which he was obviously very grateful.

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  7. He was a lucky cat to have been rescued by you. He had a good long life.

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  8. I know how you feel. We got our cat when our daughter started kindergarten. Mittens (she had 4 white paws & named by daughter)lived for 18 years. She was always 'Puss' to me. I was the one who was adopted by the cat.

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  9. Thank you all for your condolences. I know that many of you know exactly how I feel! Today I had a talk with my two remaining cats, Kissabelle and Mr. McMenace, and told them they had better start stepping up to the plate! Kissabelle told me that it depends what I put on her plate, and Mr. McMenace just demanded to go outside! Ah, there will never be another Johnnie!

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  10. Aw, I'm sorry to hear about Johnnie, Elaine. Condolences!

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  11. So sorry to hear about your beloved Johnny. I lost my last cat at age 20 the day after I returned from a two week trip to Japan. She was also a stray who found us and I often wondered what her previous life was like. I had her for 16 years. I know how it leaves a hole in your life.

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  12. Elaine,
    I know your pain. I have had cats for 30 years. Loosing the first one was hard. Loosing the next 6 was no easier. Like you said, you try to not have favorites, but sometimes one just touches your more deeply. My buddy Lynx was with me 20 years when I finally had to let go.
    My new cats did not quite fill the hole, at least not at first. It has taken 3 years for one of my new girls to "step up" but the relationship has finally matured and we are buddies too. Since your cats are already part of your household, maybe they will come around faster.
    Warm regards,
    Gail

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  13. Thanks for your condolences Gail. I can see you understand just how I feel. Johnnies ashes came home yesterday, along with a beautiful condolence card from the vet and staff at the clinic. I also came home from a teaching trip last night ... and no Johnnie there to greet me. Perhaps my other cats will come around in time.

    Thanks for stopping by!

    Elaine

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  14. With tears streaming, I send a virtual hug to you. As a person who is currently owned by 2 cats, (and countless others in the past), I am amazed by your Johnny. My best to you and may your memories fill your heart with warmth.

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    1. Thank you for the virtual hug Mary. Johnnie was indeed an amazing being.

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  15. Elaine,

    I am so sorry for your loss. I received your newsletter today & your post grabbed me so I clicked through. I didn't pay heed to your warning & continued to read on. My husband & I lost our best friend to cancer on the Thursday before Easter & not a day goes by that I don't miss him or cry over him. Your words "A "mother" is supposed to love all her "children" equally, but I've never had such a bond with an animal before." ring so true for me so much that I can't stop the tears from falling. Springer was with us for only 12 1/2 years but the last 7 years since working from home, he had spent every moment of every day with me by my side. Until you have been truly loved by one of God's most unselfish "children", one will never know how you truly feel about Johnnie.

    Thinking of you,
    Shelley

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    1. Thank you for your note Shelley. I confess it brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry to hear you have also suffered the loss of one of your best friends.

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  16. sorry for your loss elaine, having lost many dogs and cats over the years i understand your pain and also know it never gets easier, there is another hole in your heart with each pet loss.. i received a wonderful poem called rainbow bridge and if you can find it somewhere read it, its a wonderful tribute to pets we have lost.. take care, you gave him a wonderful home and life.. betty ann spink, elmira

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    1. Hey Betty! Thank you for your note. I am very familiar with The Rainbow Bridge poem, and it usually has me in tears pretty fast. Hope to see you again soon.

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Elaine