Good Days and Bad Days

I've been quiet this month, haven't I? I try to keep it positive here on my blog, but the truth is that the last three years have been a struggle at times. Yes, in many ways my health is better because I made a lifestyle change to eat better and exercise more. This resulted in a loss of 30 lbs in 2017 that I continue to maintain. My blood pressure and blood sugar is under control with diet and exercise. This has meant less weight on my joints too (I have arthritis). Yes I LOOK better, but don't necessarily feel better. Three years ago I started feeling "not myself", and it caused my anxiety to soar. I had some disconcerting symptoms: occasional feelings of movement, head feeling strange, brain fog, visual symptoms (like the world looking fuzzy and skewed when I walked outside and in large open spaces like shopping malls and grocery stores), movement and patterning around me made me feel a bit motion sick, too much time on the computer or smart phone made me dizzy. Too much stimulation (crowds and no down time) exhausted me. This only added to my anxiety. I had periods where I would feel normal, but always this feeling would come back.  How do you explain to your doctor that "my head feels strange when I back out of my driveway"? I felt like I was going crazy at times. And it got worse this past year. Travelling became very stressful for me. I lost my confidence in my health and ability to cope. My doctor suspected multiple sclerosis and I went through all that testing last summer. They decided that, although I had neurological symptoms, MS was not the cause. We thought it might be menopause as my anxiety was sky high and the brain fog very disconcerting. We tried hormone replacement therapy. It didn't help.

We now have a diagnosis: left vestibular hypofunction! I never made the connection of my brain fog and visual symptoms to my inner ear!! In October I mentioned my symptoms to my otolaryngologist (who I am followed by twice yearly). In 1983 I was diagnosed with a rare middle ear tumour. A panel of pathologists deemed it malignant, or at least "invasive". I went for a second surgery in 1984 to have a complete removal. I woke up with the room spinning for a couple of days and it took some time to get my balance back. Most people find dizziness and imbalance disconcerting. For me, it takes me back to waking up in that hospital room!! My otolaryngologist ordered a VHIT (video head impulse test). This test determines if there is a loss of function in your inner ear balance function. If there is, your eyes will make compensating movements to help your body figure out where you are in space. The eyes and brain take over a lot more of the balance function when the ear is functioning below par. This explains the brain fog and visual symptoms! The test was positive; I was diagnosed with a "left vestibular hypofunction". Now I wait for a follow-up appointment with my otolaryngologist on February 25. I've been doing a lot of reading and research and it seems that the treatment for this problem is vestibular physiotherapy to help adapt to the hypofunction. The test results also indicate that some of the hypofunction is likely the result of my visual impairment (severe astigmatism with prisms in my glasses). So I may end up seeing a vision specialist as well.

As a result of the diagnosis I cancelled my booth at Quilt Canada for June 2019. Sorry to disappoint, but I am going to focus on my commission totally over the winter without the extra stress and distraction of dyeing hundreds of meters of fabric for my booth. I have some lovely days of teaching booked in Nova Scotia in May. I know this group and I know they will be understanding when I need to have quiet evenings so I will be functional during the workshop days. So I plan to finish my commission, go teach in Nova Scotia and then RELAX. Yes, I have a vestibular disorder, but I have been fortunate that I don't have the spinning/throwing up kind of vertigo (and hope I won't).

Oh I should also mention that before I got the diagnosis, I got a prescription for cbd oil. It helped immensely with the anxiety, but when I got to a dose that helped with that my dizziness got worse. I've stopped using it.

Thank you to those of you who listened when I felt like I was sounding like a hypochondriac after my latest symptoms and tests. Most of you had no idea I'm sure, and many have problems of their own. It's a reminder to be kind as we have no idea what battles others are facing. Many illnesses are invisible. I am also learning that how we respond to and think about our illness can make it worse than it actually is. With meditation I am working on this.

I have also pulled back from teaching at Haliburton School of Art + Design this summer. While I enjoy teaching there, it requires a lot of effort and energy.

Hey, I can't be that bad, can I? I drove 3600 km on a teaching trip in October/November and made it, although I felt "off" a lot of the time. Continuing to teach on a reduced schedule, with lots of rest in the evenings and between bookings, is the best thing for me and my mental health. I expect to be at Quilt Canada in June in a more relaxed capacity so am happy to meet up with friends, and if you need fabric, I'm sure we can arrange it. 

The commission is coming along well and I will be posting with an update soon.

In the mean time, here are photos from our Christmas visit with my 94 year old Dad, who we found sporting a handsome mustache for the first time in his life! That's my sister to the right of me.

This is my husband Pete to the left of me.

In addition to working on the commission, I've been learning to knit. After knitting a few dishcloths just to get a bit of practice, I decided to make a scarf.

A little bit of wonkiness. I know what happened and will avoid it in my next piece.

I decided I would be more likely to wear a cowl than a scarf so stopped the scarf short and joined the edges.

I've had a lot of compliments on this cowl, and it doesn't really matter that it isn't perfect.

I am determined to get to the point where I can knit a pair of socks. This pattern I picked up at our local knitting and spinning store makes sense. It is by Donna Snider of Roots and Rain Yarn (oh my her hand-dyed yarn is amazing).

Practicing doing the cabling on the sock cuff. Nearly ready ...

But got distracted by this gorgeous Japanese yarn (also from Wabi Sabi) and thought I might need a cowl with some red in it to go with my red sweaters.

The weather outside has been frightful, so it is a great time to hibernate. Hope you are safe and warm and well wherever you are!

Still at It!

Last week while selling hand-dyed fabrics at the quilt show, someone posed this question to me: "are you still at it"?  It is a question I get with some regularity, as though one would expect I might have given up by now ;-). I suspect there is a belief out there that making a living as a quilt artist is not possible. I used to hold this belief myself..The fact is that, at the age of 53, if I "give up" I will quite simply have to find a conventional 9-5 job. Those of us who decide to make a career as a quilt artist do so partly because we don't fit into that 9-5 mold anymore. So I've always approached my job with the attitude that I have to be successful at it because the alternative (fitting into a regular job again) is unbearable to think about. I am sure we all have difference definitions of success as well.

Given that I finally had some time to breathe this past week, I  had some much-needed time to reflect. And being out in nature (at Mer Bleu Conservation Area) for a beautiful walk on a glorious sunny Sunday of a long weekend here in Canada, my mind was free and clear to wander.

There is much about this career that you can't control, but there is one thing that is a given. You won't make it without a lot of hard work. I think it is way more necessary than talent.

Now I'm sure you will find reading what I have to say more enjoyable with some beautiful visual stimulation so I'm including photos from our walk.

What keeps the skies blue in my world is being my own boss, having a certain amount of freedom, being able to travel, and having good health. Health is a subject I've reflected a lot on this year. This year marks an important anniversary for me. In 1985 (30 years ago!) I faced a life-threatening medical condition when a malignant tumor was diagnosed in my left ear. Many of you know that I am deaf on my left side, but you may not have known why. This landmark year brings me happiness each day. When the illness was discovered I felt my future uncertain, and yet here I am much happier 30 years later. This anniversary also gives me endless excuses for being good to myself. Stay tuned as I strike off a few items on my bucket list this year!

Three and a half years ago I had another scare when my knee gave out on me and swelled to monumental proportions. I was diagnosed with osteo-arthritis. Worries about my career being curtailed plagued me for a very long time.  An exercise program helped me a great deal. Despite that, I've suffered a lot of pain in the last couple of years. Not my knees so much as other parts of my body (hips, legs, shoulders) that operate and line up differently than they should because they accommodate for my knees (which have little cartiledge left under the kneecaps). Early this year I learned that the brand of athletic shoes I've worn for a decade for my foot issues have been discontinued. This lead to a search for a new shoe, a lot of pain, a lot of expense, a lot of trials and errors.

Finally, I've found a new shoe that isn't leaving me in pain and that I don't dread stepping into in the morning. I am a happy camper! I'm walking my path a little easier now.

Being a travelling teacher has its challenges. I usually need to take two large pieces of check-in luggage when I fly. When I drive my car is usually filled to capacity with "stuff". Of course we teachers have wheels on our suitcases and wheeled carts, but that doesn't always work when we encounter a billet with stairs or a lecture hall or classroom with stairs. I've started asking for a hotel room as a first preference in my contract because I know there will be an elevator. It also gives me much-needed down time after a day of teaching. I still stay in homes if they can provide a ground floor bed and bath, and if they aren't able to provide that, then I need help with my bags. A few trips ago I came home with shoulder and elbow problems from pulling around a heavy bag. Those pains lingered through, and worsened, with all the dyeing, ironing, and cutting. 

Seven and a half years ago when I became a full-time artist and teacher, I kept a crazier pace. Yes, I do just as much teaching as then, perhaps more, but now I try to book time to myself between bookings, even if only a day alone at a hotel somewhere. I am taking better care of myself. If I don't, who will?

So yes I AM STILL AT IT!! And if time ever permits, you might see more quilted art works in the hosta theme (as well as new themes). I took these photos yesterday right in my own yard.

I even turned on my sewing machine yesterday. Don't get too excited thinking a piece of quilted art is soon going to emerge. It was only to fix a blouse. I know that teaching schedules ebb and flow. Sometimes you are in more demand, sometimes less. There will be days in the studio again. Right now I'm just counting my blessings.